God, I look old today. Staring back in the mirror at me was an haggard, old-looking pale face with bags under the eyes, disheveled hair. Magnified by the sunlit window beside the wall mirror. Mirror, I wasn't prepared. I hadn't combed my hair or....well, I just wasn't prepared. I'm always reflective before a birthday. Reflective? Sadly resolving that everything's fine. 90% of the time, I dig being 50, and now coming on 51. But before my birthday I grieve for my younger days when responbilities were few and laughs were plenty.

I am trying to become more aware of my true feelings. After a lifetime of coverup and masking true emotions. Much has to do with gender and how we're conditioned to be the problem solvers and nurturers. So two big questions I've been asking myself.....Am I really fine with getting older? And do I have any regrets? The knee-jerk answer about regrets is that, "No, I don't have any regrets. I would do it all over again the same way." Well, that's what I said for years and years. Now, I realize I DO have regrets.

So those are my two declarations. 1) I'm not always happy with growing old; and 2) I DO have some regrets in my life.